Unfettered Thoughts
by ToinKs
Summary: I have been wishing, waiting, hoping. How long will I have to wait? How long will I have to suffer? The question still remains the same. Will you ever love me back?" One-shot-fic: R&R please!


**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything except the poem… and the thoughts. ^0^

**A/N: **Hello there! My first shot at writing a fan fiction here! Please read and REVIEW.

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**UNFETTERED THOUGHTS**

The chilly wind blows even harder as I hug myself, wrapping my sweater tighter around me. It is such a gray afternoon. The sun has been hiding behind dark, heavy clouds, leaving the world a dreary place. It's bound to rain soon.

Here I am again… where we always meet, like I said I would be.

I can't explain why I'm here, but this is where my feet led me. This is where my heart told me to go.

You are sitting in your solitude, enclosed in your own world once again, inside the shell I could not break through. I sit beside you, just a few inches away. I could feel your warmth, I could hear your breathing, and yet I know you're not there.

_From the corner of my eye_

_I saw a glimpse of you_

_Out from my lips came a sigh_

_From a heart that shouts for you_

It has always been like this, isn't it? I would be here, sitting, talking about what happened last night or what the teacher did in class, while you stare off into space. My voice echoes every time I speak, bouncing off the cold concrete walls. But I find comfort in this…at least, someone answers me.

I don't even know why I stay here or why I even bother going here every afternoon. It's not as if we actually do anything. Sometimes, I don't think you even notice me come and go.

I look at you and see not a trace of emotion on your face. It has always been like this with you. It's like you never feel anything at all. I see your half-lidded eyes are about to close. I try to crack a joke I heard from my brother. Maybe this time; I could get something out of you.

_I hear your melodic laughter_

_I see your brilliant smile_

_My dreams of us together_

_Is all that is worthwhile_

Well, what do you know? You laughed! My heart jumped at the sound of your laughter and more so at the sight of your smile. Your voice sounds just as good when you're speaking, as it is when you're laughing. I heard you laugh…unbelievable. It feels so good to evoke such emotions from you.

I finally made you laugh.

Do you even know how much such a little thing means so much to me? Do you know that just a smile, a wave or even a simple nod could take away all the wrinkles of my day, of my week? Do you know of my dreams, imaginings where you always are? Do you know how I savor each moment I spend there with you even if it didn't come close to reality?

If only I could live in my dreams, I would probably choose to never wake up.

_I long to touch your slender hand_

_To feel it clasping mine_

_My wait is like the grains of sand_

_And rays of light that shine_

How long has it been? How long has it been since we've met?

I remember that day so well. I remember the exact moment your eyes met mine, your lashes fluttering open from the slumber that I had disrupted. I felt something light up inside me like a spark. It felt like a tiny jolt of electricity that quickly spread through me. That spark ignited a longing, a longing I could not suffice with anything else.

Even when I felt so tired from work and just wanted to collapse, the longing was still there. Each minute, day and night, it was there. And that spark grew with every minute I spent with you. Maybe that's why. Maybe that's the reason I keep coming back here. For I know that it is only here that I can have you.

_Each day I live is a burden_

_Each minute with you, tormented_

_For like the roses in a garden_

_They're soft but the thorns are wicked_

And yet, much as I like going here and just being near you. I also feel despair, a crushing devastation knowing that whatever I do will never be enough, will never suffice. I will never have that place in your heart where I long to be.

I know it. sI am reminded of that pain each time I look into your marble eyes and you look back into mine and I can read nothing of your thoughts. I dread that sinking feeling I get whenever you stare at the horizon with unblinking eyes, because I know you must be thinking of someone else. It tortures me to see you keep your troubles to yourself and go through it all alone while I can do nothing but watch from the sidelines.

Most of all, it hurts to give and to receive nothing in return, especially when I am giving my heart.

_I can not find the bravery_

_Nor do I have the courage_

_For the love that moves inside of me_

_Is silent in its outrage_

I know that this feeling is real as it is deep. But I don't know how to tell you. Instead, I have learned to hide it, despite the strong urge and compulsion to reveal everything every time we're together. I have been trying to unload this heavy burden that weighing down my heart for such a long time now.

But why can't I?

Because I'm afraid.

I am afraid to tell you that something has happened to me. I am afraid that I might destroy this wordless bond of understanding between us. I am afraid to show you how vulnerable I can be. I am afraid to feel the helplessness as I wait for your verdict. I am afraid, because I know, deep down I already know--my heart will break for I will not receive the answer I long to hear.

_Though I keep on loving you_

_I couldn't show the ways_

_Because though my love is trying to_

_My fear gets bigger everyday_

Do you know how it hurts with each passing day? Do you know how much my heart bleeds when I listen to you play your violin and produce the loveliest melodies, knowing you dedicate each note to someone else? Do you know the agony of hours waiting for someone, until your back is stiff and your legs are asleep from waiting, only to wait in vain? Do you know how hard it is to control my feelings, pushing them deep down every time you draw near and ask for a minute in my embrace? Do you know how I struggle each time tears well up in my eyes and I try as hard as I can to blink them back as I look at your retreating image?

Honestly now, do you know I much I love you?

_So here I wonder of how long I'll wait_

_Of how this love stands true_

_For though I suffer from my fate…_

_Still I keep on loving you._

As you stand up from where you sit, I suddenly felt the remaining warmth in my bones slowly depart. You start walking away without even looking back and I feel all alone once again. It's not that you were much of a company, but at least your presence was there. And for a few short-lived moments, my longing ceased.

The bitter angry wind wraps its cold blankets around me as I stand up and walk out. The sky rumbled and cracked with lighting as drops of rain start pelting down. I do not bother to seek shelter from the cold, wet rain. I look up at the bleak skies devoid of any light and see the desolation reflected inside of me. The pouring rain mixed with my salty tears sting my eyes as they cascade down my face.

I start taking one step at a time.

It is going to be a long walk home.

XXX

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_For those who are wondering who is speaking, it's Makino Tsukushi._

**A/N: Please please please REVIEW! I would really appreciate it!**


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